Learning to Love Yourself

We are often taught at a very young age we are not good enough, or we are taught that we are strange and not “normal.”  We waste time in life trying to be good enough and wearing masks trying to prove we fit in.

One of the young ladies that I coach recently had to face the fact that she so desired to be “normal” that she found a matronly woman in the community who fit her definition of “normal.”  She put the matron on a pedestal and steered her life in the direction of this woman.

It caused her to walk down the wrong path as she matured in Christ.  Her tree was growing crooked because she was bending to this woman was instead of becoming who God created her to be.  She had to take this “normal” woman off her pedestal and repent for hating her own life.

The woman I coach was rejecting her own path because she wasn’t trusting that God had written a good story for her life.  Friends – no one on earth is the epitome of normal.

In fact, there is no normal on earth, because heaven should be our normal.  Instead of striving to be “normal,” we should strive to be authentic.

We will be free from pressure and free from insecurity when we become ALL that God has created us to be. We will never be happy pursuing someone else’s life.  This is a counterfeit path that requires us to pretend to be someone we’re not.  We spin our wheels and never become our authentic self because we are pursuing an inferior and human definition of “normal.”

God doesn’t use cookie cutters.  He uses a potter’s wheel when creating us.

You are unique and you are loved just the way you are.  Ask God to show you who He created you to be.

Ask Him to take off the masks and to uproot the lies that you aren’t good enough.  One of the most overlooked aspects to love – is learning to love yourself!

Don’t be normal.  Be you!


As Believers, we must love God first and seek His Kingdom first. We must not love our lives more than we love God.

The basis of God’s Kingdom is that we love God FIRST!! After that - we love people. If this order of love is twisted then the entire foundation of our relationship with God (and then people) will not work.  Our crooked places must be made straight by loving God more than we love people.

Jesus demonstrated this.  He was willing to walk away from everything and everyone in order to obey His Father!

If LOVE begins with the Father, then He will show us how to love with wisdom and depth of insight.  We won’t find ourselves in co-dependent cycles.  We won’t find ourselves being used by others.  We won’t find ourselves trying to “save” people with a “god” complex because by putting Him first, we love others with His love... not our fleshly understanding and shallow definition of love.

Jesus did nothing without the Father’s permission.  He only did what he saw the Father do.  He only spoke the words the Father spoke.  Jesus’s radical obedience was because He loved the Father... even to the point of dying on the cross.

Jesus loved His Father with all of his heart - mind - soul - and strength and He was willing to lose everything because of this love.  Let this be our goal!!


Father God please forgive us for loving people more than we love you.  Forgive us for loving our family more than you.  Forgive us for loving positions, money, power, and our lives more than we love You.

Let us love as Jesus did and obey you in all things!  Let our definition of love come from You and not the world.  Remove faulty thinking from our minds and renew our minds according to the Holy Spirit.  Put our love in the right order in Jesus name AMEN!


HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT SYNDROME - Coping with a traumatic childhood

My entire life I have wrestled with a pendulum of emotion of going back and forth between the feelings of being loved and then unloved.

My traumatic childhood plays into this pendulum.  I was born loved. My mother died when I was four. My very young mind translated this as being unloved.  My father married my wonderful step mother. I was loved.  Four years later my father divorced her and sent me to live with his brother. I was abandoned and unloved.

This “He loves me/He loves me not syndrome” was a pattern that developed in my spirit.  It was programmed into my blueprint.  “Sometimes I’m loved but it will always swing back to being unloved.”

This became my blueprint for a relationship with the Lord.  Sometimes I could feel His deep and unending love for me and then a few days later I couldn’t find His presence anywhere!  In my fear of being abandoned by Him, I learned to go to extreme lengths to get God to love me.  Excessive Bible reading, excessive prayer and worship sessions were all I knew to do please God so He would not leave me.  Of course, I simply wore myself out looking for something that I already had… I was already perfectly and constantly loved.

It did not matter how hard I tried to get off the pendulum.  It did not matter how much I prayed.  It did not matter how much I read the word, the feeling of being abandoned by God would always come back.

I wish I could tell you that there was one pat prayer that took away my “He loves me/He loves me not syndrome.”  It was not one big prayer that delivered me from this syndrome… it was a thousand little ones.

As I came to understand what the enemy did to my spirit, how he planted a false blueprint inside of me, I began to ask God to pull it up little by little.  I was honest with God about how I felt in the “He loves me not” portion of the pendulum.  He let me pour out my complaint (sometimes through angry words and hot tears).  He was more patient with me than I have any right to expect.  But He saw that I had been programmed with a wrong blueprint and He stayed through the ugliness to redeem what was good.

It was a long road… a VERY long road to scrape up that evil blueprint off of my spirit.

There is only the tiniest residue still on my spirit from those early days.  The evil blueprint has been replaced with the correct blueprint that God’s love for me is perfect and I can’t do anything to make Him love me more.  And I can’t do anything to lose His presence – for He will never leave me or forsake me.

Maybe some of you feel abandoned by God.  Maybe some of you suffer with the same “He loves me/He loves me not syndrome.”  I hope that this testimony encourages you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  There can be an end to the pendulum.  I wish I could wave a wand and deliver you from it… but it takes perseverance and faith to get the false blueprint out of your spirit.

I’m actually grateful for the long walk to freedom.  I know God’s character so much better.  I know His still small voice and my faith has increased a 1000% since being on this journey.

Friends… God loves each of us right where we’re at and He is ready and willing to heal us from our false blueprints.

Take a step toward Him today and ask for the truth about anything false that the enemy might have programmed in your spirit.  Ask Him to imprint His Kingdom blueprint on your spirit instead and then persevere!

I ask God to quicken your spirit to understand the true depth of His love for you!

How to Love People Without Strings Attached

One of the hardest things we have to learn as Believers is how to love people with no strings attached.

It's hard to love people when they don't love you back. It's hard to love people even when they desert you. It's really hard loving the gossips and slanderers without giving them an evil eye and hating them in your heart. And it's hard to love the people who use you for their own gain without storing up rage in your heart.

Loving these people requires a "Jesus kind of love."  

Jesus loved the people and even His enemies with no strings attached.  He didn't require them to wash His feet. He didn't force anyone to follow Him.  He didn't hate them in His heart when they nailed His hands and feet to a cross.

At one point, thousands of people left Jesus's ministry because His preaching got too hard for them to accept. (John 6:66)

But Jesus didn't get mad and think "you people owe me! I healed you! I fed you! I delivered you!"  He let them go and celebrated the ones who stayed.  Jesus wants willing followers.  He wants us to know that He will love us, even if we walk away for a season.  He also wants us to love others like that!

Jesus didn't demand honor like the Sanhedrin did.  Instead, Jesus knelt down in love and honored his friends by washing their feet....even ones He knew were fair weather friends.  Peter still got his feet washed by Jesus, the night Peter betrayed Him, no strings attached.

Jesus loves you right where you are at.  He may not be pleased with everything that you are doing - but you are free to sin or not.  Even then, you cannot make Jesus not love you.

As Believers, we are called to become like Christ.  We are called to love as He did... this means we love others without expecting anything in return.

If people want to walk away from a relationship with us, we let them go, and we do not demand that they stay.  We put the relationship in the hands of grace, and we allow the other person to have free will 

(even if those people are family members).

We lay down our hurt, forgive them, and let them go.  Pride demands an answer or an apology.  Humility says they owe you nothing.  

When people who have hurt you, come back and truly repent - love opens an avenue to restoration.  Jesus gently restored Peter after he fell. And 50 days later 3000 people gave their lives to Christ because of Peter.

The prodigal son's father had no strings attached.  The prodigal still paid a price because he had already spent his inheritance.  But his father RAN out to meet him, an example of our Heavenly Father's love.

The brother of the prodigal had strings attached to his love.  He demanded his own kind of justice.  But that is not the way of Jesus and therefore, it cannot be our way either.

Perfect love casts out fear because there are no strings attached. Jesus's kind of love is without condition.  Now that doesn't mean we don't use wisdom and it doesn't mean we are doormats, Jesus certainly wasn't. But we allow people to come and go in our lives without forcing or demanding anything.

The gift of salvation is free.  Once you come into the family of God, you are IN! You are loved.  Perfection is not demanded. 

As the Body of Christ, we must mature in our love for each other. The Kingdom of God is not a kingdom of slavery... it is a Kingdom of Sons!  We are free to walk out our own salvation with fear and trembling...  

Since we have been loved with an unconditional love from our Creator... how can we truly be His children and not walk in His ways.

We love... because He first loved us.  1 John 4:19

Steps to Wholeness:

If you need to lay a person or group down because you are demanding justice in your heart, don't be afraid of approaching the throne!  God wants to help you to love with no strings attached.  He wants to give you unconditional love for others.

Ask the Holy Spirit if there is anyone you need to put in the Hands of Grace?

One by one hand forgive them and hand them over to Jesus.

Then get on with whatever God has called you to do.  Life is too short to worry about someone who "owes" you.

We'll all be completely free one day in eternity... if you have to let go of a relationship until then, so be it.  You've got a race to run and talents to gain for the Lord!

Belle is being released to set the Beast free! (A WORD FOR WOMEN OF GOD)

God is calling the women of His Kingdom to rise up.  He is calling His daughters to go on an adventure with Him.  He is making a way for His Beauties to RISE.

But this “rising” is not a worldly revolution – it’s a reformation.

God has been speaking to me through the movie “Beauty and the Beast” lately.  The heroine of the movie is tired of her “provincial” (unsophisticated, narrow-minded) life.  She longs for MORE!  She longs to break free of the town that thinks she is “odd.”  They have decided that she is indeed beautiful – but she is just too strange for them to accept.  She is a misfit.

However, the longing of her heart is fulfilled when she is taken on the adventure of a lifetime.  She ends up becoming a captive of the Beast.  She is a prisoner in his cursed castle that is in a perpetual winter season.  But she “rises” up through her strength and patience and grace and she LOVES the Beast until the curse is broken and he becomes the royalty he was meant to be all along.

God is calling the women who are tired with the mundaneness of the provincial life.  He has put a seed of Holy Dissatisfaction within His daughters who have been calling out for adventure.

For the Lord would say:

“Daughters, I have need of you in this hour.  I need for you to rise up and love the Beast.  Many of my sons have taken hard hits because the enemy of their souls has tried to take them out.  Some of them are prideful because of deep wounds.  Some of them roar because they are broken inside.  Some of them are suffering from neglect and don’t know how to be tender or gentle because they were never taught.

I am asking you to look beyond the mask of My sons.  Look beyond the outward appearance and look to the hearts of My sons.  They are longing to be loved.  They are longing to have communion with people, but the curse that is over them prevents it.

Will you allow yourself to follow Me on this adventure?  You don’t have to be a doormat.  You don’t have to be their slave.  Do not let them be your “Master.”  Let Me be your King... and simply follow Me!

I need my Beauties to be strong and patient at the same time.  I will show you when to stand up to the Beast.  I will show you when to nurture him.  If you follow Me and die to being offended, together, we can break the curse!

The adventure will be daunting at first, but I have equipped you with the Holy Spirit, and you have everything you need to release life over the castle.  Put on the whole armor of God.  Stay close to Me.  I want to restore the authority that Adam and Eve had in the Garden of Eden.

Are you willing to enter the fire, in order to set the Beast free?  When men and women come together as ONE – My Kingdom will be unstoppable!

Let’s go on an adventure and bring reformation to My Kingdom!”


The Danger of Demonstrating False Love

The world is hurting. It is covered in shame and fear and pride and sin. We hear stories of people who are on drugs or who have fallen into perversion. We know prodigals who are angry at God. We know that the answer to their pain is God’s love. But we are not doing a very good job of showing them true love.

True love is not blind. It is not mushy or soft. It is solid. It has a form. It’s not one dimensional.

True love is both Grace and Truth. True love is a Person. True love is a Diety.

God is love.

God is the definition of love. But love is not the definition of God. It is God’s character that defines love, not our tiny human understanding that defines love.

We get a glimpse of God’s character through His own words in Exodus 34:6-7 Moses has asked to see God’s glory (or His character). But God knows that Moses will die if he sees God face to face. So God grants Moses’s request and hides him in the cleft of the rock (Exodus 33:22-23) and lets Moses see his backside. As He passes, God gives an amazing self-description of who He is to Moses. Pay attention to these words as God – the One who is love – describes Himself.

6 As he passed in front of Moses, he called out. He said, “I am the Lord, the Lord. I am the God who is tender and kind. I am gracious. I am slow to get angry. I am faithful and full of love. 7 I continue to show my love to thousands of people. I forgive those who do evil. I forgive those who refuse to obey me. And I forgive those who sin. But I do not let guilty people go without punishing them. I cause the sins of the parents to affect their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.”  Exodus 34:6-7

This is love. This is the character of God: tender, kind, gracious, slow to anger, faithful, forgiving...BUT He is also Holy.

God does not let the guilty go unpunished. He is a Holy God. True love cannot exist apart from God’s holiness. This means He does not tolerate sin. Jesus died to pay our pardon for sin once and for all – but if that sin is unrepented from, God will not let the guilty go. God is patient and He is ready to forgive, but that forgiveness cannot be handed out apart from the confession of our sins.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

God is both Gracious and Holy. He is both Forgiving and Just. God is love – not the other way around.

It is wrong for us to say to the world that God loves you – so go and do whatever you want because God wants you to be happy. This is a mischaracterization of who God is.

Jesus – who was the exact representation of God (Hebrews 1:3) – exemplified His Father’s character in the course of His ministry on earth.

When Jesus came, He called out to the sinners – not to the righteous. But when he called the sinners, He called them to repent. He didn’t just soothe their soul from pain without also requiring them to repent.

To the woman caught in adultery: Jesus didn’t just forgive her… He told her to go and sin no more. (John 8)

To the woman at the well: Jesus had no problem pointing out her true issue of living in fornication in order to get her to repent. (John 4)

To the rich young ruler: Jesus spoke the unvarnished truth that he loved his money a little more than he realized. (Matthew 19)

He drove the money-changers out of the temple… with a whip! (Matthew 21)

Jesus was tender, kind, gracious, slow to anger, patient, forgiving and He was Holy!!!

Jesus’s message of repentance called for a change of the heart and mind. God’s love calls us to repent and change our hearts to line up with His holiness. This is part of love… to call someone to repent.

The world is in pain. And Jesus is the answer to their pain. But to tell the world to come to Jesus because He will blindly love them is a mischaracterization of Who He is.

Love is kind… and holy.

Believers need to love sinners by pointing to God’s kindness – but we cannot do it without being upfront about the need for repentance.

If we continue to teach this false definition of love, we will answer for it at the judgment throne.

It is because of the fear of man that we are teaching the world that God will save them without repentance. This must change!

Believers must begin to fear the Lord more than we fear being rejected by men. We must repent from giving the world “false love.” We’re playing right into the devil’s hands and leading them straight to hell.

In my love for you dear reader, I say to you that God loves you, but if you are preaching forgiveness without repentance, I warn you this must stop and I am calling you to repent.  Align your hearts with God's definition of love and fear Him more than you fear man.

9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,  Philippians 1:9-10

Maybe You Don't Understand Love as Well as You Think You Do...

“Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

We listen to it at a wedding. We love to quote it on social media. But the truth is these few verses are NOT the final and complete definition of love. We have a habit as believers to take specific parts of the Word of God - the parts that preach really good – and think we’ve got the subject of love covered. We have not been trained very well to use the “whole counsel of God” (Acts 20:27). As with all things in scripture we must receive the entire word of God to have a complete picture of

His character.

1 Corinthians 13 is an easy one to preach. It’s poetry. It makes us feel all warm inside. It doesn’t offend. But if we are to take the whole counsel of God we must recognize that several chapters earlier in 1 Corinthians 5:11-13 Paul actually commands the Church to do something that would not fit in with most Christians’ definition of love.

“But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."

He commands the Church not to even eat with believers who are sexually immoral, greedy, idolaters, slanderers, addicted or a thief (note he is not speaking of unbelievers). We must take these kinds of passages into account when formulating our definition of love. Friends I know this is hard but this scripture actually tells us not to associate with believers who are sexually immoral.

Most people would say “How is that love?” Perhaps Paul was attempting to illuminate the thought that Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

We must receive the whole counsel about Who He is – not just the parts that we agree with. Either all of the Bible is true or none of it is. I believe it’s all true. Even the difficult parts.

Unfortunately we have redefined who God is because of our subjective definition of love. It doesn’t work like that. If you are going to love God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength – you have to love the truth about His character too. You cannot make God conform to your idea of what love is.

Love is not the definition of God... God is the definition of love.

When examining our definition of “love” we must take into consideration several things that happened in the New Testament. (I use only the New Testament to make my point for those who believe that The Old Testament no longer represents God’s character after Jesus shed His blood.) These things God caused to happen might shake you to the core if you don’t really understand God’s characterization of the word LOVE:

1 ) Ananias and Sapphira are struck down dead after lying to the Holy Spirit. (Acts 5)

2) Herod is struck down dead by an angel of the Lord. (Acts 12)

3) Paul directly tells the churches to stay away from specific people who are false teachers and calls them by name. (2 Timothy)

4) Jesus Himself called church leaders to their faces: hypocrites, snakes, white washed tombs, murderers and blind guides. (Matthew 23)

5) Jesus overturns marketplace and whips the people who are selling in the temple. (John 2)

6) Jesus has a dire warning for people who cause His children to sin.  The punishment would be worse than being drowned with a brick around their neck. (Matthew 18)

7) In Revelation 2 and 3, in His prophecy to the seven churches Jesus HATES the practices of certain people.

He threatens to remove one of them from the lampstand in heaven.

He says he is going to bring suffering on a woman named Jezebel and everyone who supports her.

He says He will repay the churches according to their deeds.

He spits out of His mouth those who are lukewarm.

He tells one of His churches that they are poor, pitiful, naked and blind.

In Revelation 11, two witnesses are given the power to burn to a crisp those who try to hurt them.

You must include these characteristics of God when forming your opinion of love.

I know this might seem harsh to some of you but all of these actions are included in the definition of love. We must open our minds a little more about the definition of love because those few verses in 1 Corinthians 13 cannot cover the vast characteristics of who God is.

Check out one of Paul’s prayers in Philippians 1:9:

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight. So that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ.”

Love has depth to it. There is knowledge and understanding that comes with the definition of love – we are meant to discern (judge) what is best so that we are pure and blameless. Love must include the fruit of righteousness. Love is costly, and we cannot simply throw it around and say, “God loves you unconditionally so you can behave however you want to behave.” That is not a discerning love.

The Message interprets Philippians 1:9 like this:

“So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush.”

Too many people have considered 1 Corinthians 13 as the final definition of love. If you do not take the whole counsel of the Word of God and the characteristics of God’s personality what you get is SENTIMENTAL GUSH.

Friends, God is not a sentimental gushy Heavenly Father. He is a God that will not hesitate to punish sin. (1 Thess 4:2-6) To punish sin is an act of love! A loving Father DISCIPLINES His children. (Rev. 3:19)

It’s like getting your hand burned on the stove as a child. If you touch a hot stove once and get burned you won’t do it again because it harms you. Our loving Heavenly Father doesn’t have a problem letting those who sin get hurt by it because He wants you to stay away from things that hurt you!

Allowing suffering into our lives is a way of disciplining us. Speaking with sharp words to us in order to get us to repent is a way of disciplining us. God allows a separation when we sin against Him, this is another way that God disciplines us. He is not afraid to hurt our feelings.

Our definition of WHO God is must include the characteristic of Holiness. God hates what sin does to His children. It harms us. It harms His plan for our lives. He has no problem bringing painful discipline because He wants it to produce in us harvest of righteousness. (Heb 12:11) I am so grateful for the times when God has brought painful discipline to me. He has kept me from such disastrous mistakes because when His discipline came, though it was painful, it caused me to seek Him for His truth. And the Truth set me FREE!

There was one time that I knew a friend of mine was entering a marriage that was not from God. I very gently told her to really think about it before she entered the marriage. Then I just put it in God’s hands and left it alone. She married the man and it all fell apart very quickly, he was a charlatan. A few years later we were discussing my gentle warning and she looked at me with pain in her eyes and said “Why didn’t you rebuke me more harshly?! I might have listened if you had hurt me.”

Another time I did hurt a friend with the truth, and our relationship suffered a season of separation because of it. But God confirmed to my friend that I indeed had brought her the truth and she repented and God restored our relationship. She was so thankful that I was bold enough to hurt her feelings. The path that she was on would have forever altered the course of her family’s life and caused great damage to everyone.

In my own life, God warned me through a sermon I 'just happened' to hear on the radio that if I continued on the rebellious path I had chosen that I risked being removed from this earthly life sooner than He planned. That REALLY hurt my feelings!  But I was headed for destruction.  And He was incredibly gracious to fully inform me of the consequences of my choices.  Now as I look back at the stern rebuke I received from the Lord, I feel incredibly loved and protected by His unvarnished truth.

Love never fails.

Love includes 1 Corinthians 13. It is patient, it is kind. We are to pray for our enemies and those who use us. We are to turn the other cheek. We are absolutely called to lay down our lives for our brother, and sometimes be crucified by them and their words, and as you are bleeding we are required to follow Christ and say “Father forgive them.” But love does not end there we are also called to confront sin with the truth. This is also love.

Our definition of love must come through the lens of what God says love is. Otherwise we are creating an idol out of our own imagination into a twisted version of love in which everyone is free to do whatever they want without consequence.

God is love. Not the other way around.