My entire life I have wrestled with a pendulum of emotion of going back and forth between the feelings of being loved and then unloved.
My traumatic childhood plays into this pendulum. I was born loved. My mother died when I was four. My very young mind translated this as being unloved. My father married my wonderful step mother. I was loved. Four years later my father divorced her and sent me to live with his brother. I was abandoned and unloved.
This “He loves me/He loves me not syndrome” was a pattern that developed in my spirit. It was programmed into my blueprint. “Sometimes I’m loved but it will always swing back to being unloved.”
This became my blueprint for a relationship with the Lord. Sometimes I could feel His deep and unending love for me and then a few days later I couldn’t find His presence anywhere! In my fear of being abandoned by Him, I learned to go to extreme lengths to get God to love me. Excessive Bible reading, excessive prayer and worship sessions were all I knew to do please God so He would not leave me. Of course, I simply wore myself out looking for something that I already had… I was already perfectly and constantly loved.
It did not matter how hard I tried to get off the pendulum. It did not matter how much I prayed. It did not matter how much I read the word, the feeling of being abandoned by God would always come back.
I wish I could tell you that there was one pat prayer that took away my “He loves me/He loves me not syndrome.” It was not one big prayer that delivered me from this syndrome… it was a thousand little ones.
As I came to understand what the enemy did to my spirit, how he planted a false blueprint inside of me, I began to ask God to pull it up little by little. I was honest with God about how I felt in the “He loves me not” portion of the pendulum. He let me pour out my complaint (sometimes through angry words and hot tears). He was more patient with me than I have any right to expect. But He saw that I had been programmed with a wrong blueprint and He stayed through the ugliness to redeem what was good.
It was a long road… a VERY long road to scrape up that evil blueprint off of my spirit.
There is only the tiniest residue still on my spirit from those early days. The evil blueprint has been replaced with the correct blueprint that God’s love for me is perfect and I can’t do anything to make Him love me more. And I can’t do anything to lose His presence – for He will never leave me or forsake me.
Maybe some of you feel abandoned by God. Maybe some of you suffer with the same “He loves me/He loves me not syndrome.” I hope that this testimony encourages you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There can be an end to the pendulum. I wish I could wave a wand and deliver you from it… but it takes perseverance and faith to get the false blueprint out of your spirit.
I’m actually grateful for the long walk to freedom. I know God’s character so much better. I know His still small voice and my faith has increased a 1000% since being on this journey.
Friends… God loves each of us right where we’re at and He is ready and willing to heal us from our false blueprints.
Take a step toward Him today and ask for the truth about anything false that the enemy might have programmed in your spirit. Ask Him to imprint His Kingdom blueprint on your spirit instead and then persevere!
I ask God to quicken your spirit to understand the true depth of His love for you!